One of the best, albeit difficult to accept definition of Christian was propounded to my hearing in the 80s by Dr. Sam Adeyemi. Back then as Youth Pastor of Rhema Chapel in Ilorin, he said you should read the words “Christian” as meaning, without Christ, I am Nothing! It is a difficult dictum to live by in a country where even the president’s cook carries a business card bearing the nation’s coat of arms announcing their importance. Friends of governors break car registration laws by making their own registration plate announcing that they are ‘Friends of the Governor’. This is why I pity the guy who addresses himself as The Ordinary President. Sorry bro, there are no ordinary Nigerians.
I break a fuse whenever I am addressed as “Mr”. by those who know better. I am journalist Tunde, and you can call me newsman. Anything less would be considered rude and demeaning. Someday, I hope to make enough money to buy that title of Òfànràn Yàgbà, spokesman of the #YagbaNation. When that happens, any mere mortal addressing me less than Chief would be currying the unforgiving wrath of Sango himself.
One thing I keep regretting was rejecting the invite to travel to Dubai for a free doctorate degree being offered by a group that perhaps have never seen the four walls of a university. The price was pretty decent – my flight and hotel bills. I’d be answering the back-door title of Dr. Tunde Asaju like every natural healer.
I hope you get the gist; we, Nigerians are not ordinary. We hate to share the mundane title of Mr. or Mrs. with the devil and his concubine. We value our earned, bestowed and sometimes imagined titles and suddenly become leprechauns when we are not addressed properly as Prof, Alhaji, Hajiya, Chief or Double Chief.
This is why Adams Oshiomole, ex-labour leader, two-term Edo State Governor, erstwhile party chairman and now a distinguished sinnator auditioned for the role of an air traffic agbero by closing the boarding gate at the airport. He was leveraging on his delusion of self-importance to deal with an airline he accused of profiteering. He could have ordered Festus Keyamo to withdraw the license of that airline but he chose to deal with them like a gentleman and in future if he crosses the floor, he’d not only lose his seat, he’d do so assured he has a job at the airport.
Wasiu Ayinde Marshall, a Fuji crooner and President Bola Tinubu’s personal musician felt disrespected when asked to empty the contents of his golden flask before boarding an aircraft. He complied by emptying it on the disrespectful airline officials before making a vain attempt to block a taxiing plane with his lanky body frame.
But who in Uyo does Ms. Comfort Bob (also known as Comfort Emmanson) think she is? A mundane young lady afford a Uyo-Lagos flight ticket. In Tinubu’s economy that puts her over and above socialite wannabes who still risk their precious lives traveling on Good Morning Lagos bus. According to Google, she is richer than this writer being able to pay around N170,000 for a one-way ticket and possessing a beautiful mobile phone that earns her a sizeable followership on social media.
When you have these attributes, you need to record your small successes to make your enemies run mad. The flights that some call mundane are Naira spins and keeping constant contact with your friends on the ground is an opportunity not to be missed. After all, if you were an eagle, you would defecate on smaller birds just to show who is boss.
In this journey of self-flagellation, an ordinary flight attendant had the effrontery to ask you to switch off your phone deserves the cold shoulder. A purser trying to book you is salt on a festering sore. How many followers do pursers have? In this case, even if your circuit breaker has more control than Femi Fani-Kayode, you would be pardoned for blowing one or two fuses- hence the video now making the rounds.
In Nigeria’s Animal Farm, some people forget the amendment to the foundational principle of “all animals are equal”. They were away when the first amendment was made, the one that reads, “but some are more equal than others”. We are yet to find out who bankrolls Ms. Bob. What we suspect is that he must be a man of straw since he could not prevent his dainty protege from the fast track of the law that could let a privileged hooligan go with a slap on the wrist or a perpetual investigation but send a wannabe privileged to keep company with mosquitoes, cockroaches and bedbugs in Nigeria’s five-star correctional centre.
Oshiomole’s case will remain under perpetual investigation except of course he insults the President or jumps ship. Wasiu Ayinde’s six month no-fly punishment could be reversed with a presidential order. His tepid apology is enough to bury his case for ever. Ms. Bob is too young to learn from our elders who say that an orphan should never allow the luxury of a back injury.
If I were someone, I would recommend that Nigerians go back to Pastor Adeyemi’s definition of Christian and always carry themselves as if they are nothing. However, in a society that thrives of religious jealousy, that would be courting trouble.
Yet, accepting that we are nothing would purge us of this aura of what we are not. I have watched from the sidelines, how humble Aliko Dangote carries himself for a man whose wealth transcends the shores of Nigeria. Otedola, Alakija and Elumelu who usually hit the Forbes list with Dangote are never caught slapping anyone; they walk the earth as if it has eyes, careful not to break it. Lately, Bill Gates collaborated with the nothings of the music world being found riding on a motorcyle taxi popularly called okada.
Why is it that the rest of us efulefu have to earn more mileage of social media notoriety by ruffling feathers only to discover that lady justice is only blind when it comes to the sons and daughters of nobody?
